Erasmusholic – Tomek from Poland – #mentalstories

I was Erasmoholic, hanging out with Erasmus students was my only passion, all have started in 2014.
I talk about it, as it had an impact on my work and studies. I had no friends. I was pretty calm and introverted.

They go… and I was forced to see all those places again. Every semester was coming new people, new friendships and they were gone. I was missing them, they weren’t replying. I was considering them as my friends, I got confused. I started to look for new friends like in a vicious circle. I felt abandoned and like an attention seeker. I visited some old friends, all of them were busy with little interest to meet up. I went to Milan, Istanbul, Berlin and much more. I felt awful, travelling, in that time, was for me a way to avoid true life sorrow, stepping even further, I was feeling more and more invisible
I felt powerless like my life was about to be over, I started to work in a fast-food chain bar to forget for easy coming stability. I didn’t want to talk about my problems with anyone. I was afraid of being judged. I couldn’t concentrate on anything in my life.

I realized after, I fell in love with one guy of those. He didn’t know anything. I was available for every his demand. People were warning me that he isn’t treating me well and I should end up this relationship. I didn’t. I was struggling even more, as I considered it all as ridiculous. All mental battle was in my head. How I solved it?

Finally, I talked about my concerns of love and friendship with some Polish mates around me. I started to think more, I talked about it with my mentor and thesis advisor, I wasn’t able to describe well my outcomes, and so, my bachelor thesis was rejected twice by putting there my psychoanalytical observations about Erasmus friendships.  I have started also learning Turkish, language of my love’s origin to learn more about his background. I am taking these classes till now, I built up close relations with teachers from that school and I transferred my love on Turkish language. While I was living in Spain, I have participated in many LGBT events organized by KIFKIF associations, it helped me to discover my feelings towards to this particular guy, and more important, that I should not feel guilty for it. Today, I feel more confident about myself, my feelings and my sexuality. I am only upset that I should have gone to Spain to solve out some of my mental health problems, and to open more for a free talk with people. In my opinion, in Poland words like mental health, bisexuality and homosexuality are still considered pejoratively by many people in the Polish language, and a change we should look up in the daily language.

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